I was reading one of my favorite baby loss blogs (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/) and she mentioned a challenge from another blogger - "The Right Where I Am" project. The purpose is to write about where you are in your grief today and how you have integrated that grief into your life. We've been doing a grief support group at the office and although I wouldn't usually participate in something like, this it seemed as good a time as any.
So here it goes - 1 year, 9 months and 17 days since we said goodbye to Kaden.
It's a crazy and hectic week, more than usual. Today is Eliana's 7th Birthday, seems like she was a baby yesterday. Skyler is graduating from high school on Friday. Sometimes with everything going on it's hard to find the time to think about where I am in my grief. It's especially hard when life goes and goes and goes, it's hard to keep up. Everyone else is busy as well and they assume I'm done grieving. I try not to talk about it, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Because of this I spend a lot of time setting it aside and telling the grief - "I'll have to deal with you another day." Grief is a funny thing, it won't be set aside forever and it won't go away just because I don't have the time for it. I know that AND I know that the grief is far from done with me.
Because it's been set aside so often where I am in my grief today is not all that different from where I was in my grief last year at this time. The difference is we have Kalina. I know most would assume that the joy I feel holding her in my arms would somehow take away the sting of not having Kaden with us, it doesn't. Sometimes It makes it worse. Sometimes I'm still knocked over by the sheer intensity of it, that I still miss him so much. I look at Kalina and see her smile and am acutely aware I don't know what Kaden's smile would have looked like, I never got to see it. When she cries and I wipe her tears, I know I never had the opportunity to do that for him. It's a dull ache I deal with daily. I'm grateful it doesn't interfere with my ability to enjoy every moment with Kalina. Despite the feelings of loss I feel such joy with every little thing she does, even the part where she keeps me up all night.
I'm a different person than I was two years ago. I'm learning to stress less (I said less, I haven't given it up completely) and to be in the moment a little bit more. I prioritize my life differently. My house is a disaster, which would have bothered me a lot more not very long ago. If I have choice of cuddling the baby, coloring with Eliana, having a conversation with Skyler or cleaning the house I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 I'll be spending time with my kids. The other night the baby was taking nap and I went in Skyler's room just to say hi. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. We didn't talk about anything of consequence but we did laugh a lot. There were a million other things I "should" have been doing but I believe wholeheartedly it was the most productive thing I did that entire day. It's so cliche to say that life is precious, that time with loved ones is precious, because we never know how long it will last. It's a cliche because it's true. I want to scoop my children up and hold them close 24 hours a day. I know other people look at my life and judge my choices, judge my mess but I've got to the point where I don't really care. I'm embracing my choice and in the process embracing my children a lot more.
The other day I happened upon an article about one of the non profits that takes pictures of infants who are ill or who have passed away. We weren't lucky enough to have a professional photographer come when we were in the hospital with Kaden. We did have a nurse who took pictures and sent us home with a copy on CD. I have a memory box from the hospital of Kaden's things and the CD is in there. I've never looked at it. Every time I think of sticking that CD in my computer I'm overwhelmed. I thought maybe by his 2nd birthday this year I would be ready but when I saw the article, which included a photo of a mother in the hospital holding her stillborn son, I was wiped out by it. It killed me just a little and I realized maybe I won't be ready, maybe I need more time. I just don't know yet but I'm afraid of the pain being so intense that I won't be able to process it. At the same time I want to get there so badly.
One of the things I'm still trying to figure out is; How do I incorporate him and make him a part of my life. He is just as much my child as my other children, even though he's not here. How do I talk about him more? I know my husband and I don't talk about him nearly enough.
Last year we planted a Japanese Maple in the yard on his 1st birthday. It gives me peace for some reason, to see it growing there. I look at it every day and think of him. Sometimes it's gently blowing in the breeze, sometimes it's standing still, sometimes it doesn't have leaves and other times it has vibrant burgundy ones. No matter what it gives me a sense that he is here. Eliana calls the tree Kaden, she seems to think that the tree is him somehow, and maybe it is just a little bit.
I don't always feel only sadness when I think of him. Sometimes there is an inexplicable feeling of joy. I have no idea what to attribute it to other than I don't regret anything. I don't regret we had him, I don't regret holding him in my arms, I don't regret loving him. I'm grateful to have had him in our lives even if for just a moment.We had a son and he was precious and beautiful and it is tragic he is not with us, yet wonderful he did exist. Maybe the love I feel for him somehow generates the joy. I don't know, I just know to take the time to allow myself to enjoy it when I feel it.
